“You’re going to have another baby, and it’s going to be ok.”
These are the words I read in part of a text message from my cousin in Spring of 2017, and I laughed (out loud). I literally thought, “Well, it’s happened. She has gone crazy.” She was sharing this with me in context of some things that she believed God was showing her personally, so this was not even her own random idea. She was telling me what God shared with her ABOUT me. Granted, her walk with God is extremely intimate, and I really should have listened to her. But I didn’t. I laughed and said to myself, “Nope. Not happening. Not in my plan.”
In this season, my second-born was having some health issues complete with hospital stays and surgery. The previous year we had nearly wiped out our savings because of medical bills (mostly for our kids). We had already decided we were only having two kids, but after these things we thought, “Absolutely not. No more. We can’t afford another child.”
And honestly, after walking through the darkness and emptiness and loss I felt from two previous miscarriages, I knew that there was no way I would emotionally survive another one. So we were done. No more babies.
But then God started stirring something interesting within my heart when my second-born turned one. I started strongly desiring another baby. Like A LOT. Uh Oh. Maybe my cousin was not cookoo. I knew this desire had to be from God, because I did not want to do this again. Nor did I think I COULD do it again. I mustered up enough courage one day to mention it to my husband, and he said God had been doing the same thing in his heart. That was confirmation for both of us, but we spent time praying that He would help us have clarity about his will on this.
When we both felt clarity, we started trying again. And my worst fear in all of it happened . . .
I had a third miscarriage that devastated me. Completely. I was so angry with God. I kept asking him, “Why God? Why would You call me to have another baby, tell me it would be okay, and then take it away?” In this raw season of grief and anger, God really spoke into my heart. He kept showing me in so many ways that He was still good, He was still in control, He was still trustworthy, and He still wanted me to try again for a baby.
So we did, and here I am twenty-eight weeks pregnant with a healthy, baby girl. Every day we battle the fear that we won’t be able to handle another baby with the limited time and resources that we have. I still battle fear of silence in my ultrasounds and OB visits. I still wonder if I can handle this.
A Trustworthy Reminder
But then God reminds me of something:
He reminded me that in my life, over and over and over again, he has remained faithful to us. He has never left my side through the immeasurable amount of grief I felt in loss. He has always provided financially and in other ways for our family when we were swallowed up in our fear. He has never let me down, and he has never let me go.
One pastor I heard called it the “trail of trust” that God has left behind in my life. When fear, doubt, or even anger creep in, I look back on this trail of trust. I look back and see God’s endless faithfulness in my life, and I KNOW that “it will be okay.” I know that He WILL continue to provide for us, no matter what our eyes can see. I know He will not leave our side. He will remain.
This is what it means to trust. When you can’t see the light through the darkness that fear and uncertainty can bring, you look backward. You look at the proven faithfulness of God in your life, in the life of others, and throughout Scripture. You set your mind on truth because it is the only thing that will remain steadfast and certain. No matter what life has brought you or will bring you tomorrow, you choose to “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full on his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”